I'm depressed, I have a headache & I can't cope

Constant low mood. Inability to function. Suicidal thoughts. Sound familiar? Then perhaps you have had an encounter with depression.

Coping With A Depressed Person

At some point in our lives we all feel depressed. Most of us get over it after a while and move on without difficulty. The fact that we do from time to time have depressed feelings makes it more difficult for us to empathize with those who become severely incapacitated by depression.

We all think we know what it’s like and how to overcome it. It’s just a matter of “pulling yourself together” and “not feeling sorry for yourself”. Thus, we become bewildered by people for whom these methods do not work. We fail to recognize the difference between depression, the everyday experience; and depression, the illness. Is it any wonder that we cannot cope when we come across a clinically depressed person?

Having myself suffered from a major depressive episode, and also having watched one of my dearest friends struggle through depression, I still have no easy answers for those who have to cope with a sufferer. There are, however, pieces of advice that I can give from my own experience which I hope will be helpful.

Firstly, do not ever tell someone who is seriously depressed to “snap out of it”. British comedian Spike Milligan, a lifelong sufferer of manic-depression, commented that to tell a depressed person to “snap out of it” was like telling someone with a broken leg “Come on, walk, you’ll be all right.” If sufferers could “snap out of it”, they would have done so instead of enduring its empty misery.

Secondly, offer sympathetic support. By this, I do not mean for you to fuss over the sufferer. It would be much better to say “What can I do to help?”, and then listen, really listen. Refrain from giving trite advice, however well-intentioned. At the same time, let him know that you care, that suicide is not acceptable, and that you have every faith that the mood disorder will one day pass. Show your affection.

Thirdly, if you feel that your help is not enough, or if the sufferer is suicidal, encourage him to seek professional help. Such a suggestion may meet with resistance or outright rejection, but this does not mean that it should not be made. And, contrary to what people may think, depression is treatable.

Finally, but most importantly, be informed. Knowing more about mood disorders will not only help you to help the sufferer, but you will also be in a better position to cope with a dismal, difficult and utterly different version of the person you love.

Do not underestimate your role in helping a depressed person. I cannot stress enough how important it is for a sufferer to feel that there is someone who has not given up on him, someone with rock-solid belief that his is a life worth living. Even if your support does not seem helpful, or if the sufferer seems hostile to it, persevere.

In his book, Depression And How To Survive It, psychiatrist Anthony Clare says “Many a depressed person has testified on recovery how important it was to have known that others close to him or her had not lost heart, even though at the time relatives and friends had no inkling that their responses, behaviour and attitude were in fact making any impact whatsoever.”

On that, he’s absolutely right.